A Man With A Plan

In life, everyone has their plans, but as many people know, planned plans don't always go as those plans were planned. For example, I was planning on having a great day on the beach one day a year ago, but apparently some woman named "Irene" decided to come, and the beach was closed (and when she left, she got everything wet. The roads were flooded).

But this is a story of a different plan, a simple plan to go to the movies...

I came home one day and was told that my cousins wanted to spend their last weekend before returning to college with my family, so we were going to go to the movies. Turns out that the movie did not start for like three hours, so that plan was out. What to do? Well we decided to go for ices. Not a bad plan, I mean who doesn't like ices?...Well I guess snowmen would not like ices, unless they are cannibal snowmen, in which ices would probably be a delicacy, but other than non-cannibal snowmen, who doesn't like ices? Nobody, that's who.

So we went out, had our ices, spoke, laughed, sung, danced, and other associated family verbs, until it was time to go home. So when we got close to home, another plan arose, while my parents parked the car, I would go in and relax. A nice plan if I do say so myself, but it turns out, my mom had my keys. I sat outside the door for like forever (which translates to about five minutes in real time), staring at the wall. Finally, I was rescued, and the door was opened.

I went into my home with a plan to write about this on my blog, but as I said planned plans don't always go as those plans were planned.

So here I am, a year later, stretching an insignificant story where my family went out for ices into one of my longest blog posts ever. Was I successful? Who knows, but that's the plan.

-The Planning Anon Blogger

P.S. I was just kidding about nobody liking ices. It's okay if you don't like it. It just means you’re not "cool." Get it? Because ices are cold, which means cool and I used the word cool meaning popular...Oh I'm so "punny" (and "cool"). Also, if you didn’t get the first joke above, Irene was a hurricane. Don't you love when people explain their jokes?

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A Clever Name

There comes a time in most people's life where they must think, "What should I name my children?" and this question is hard to answer (Beth, Charlie, Spunky?). Well I do not have a solution, but I have a great idea... Have his name spelt something like "Josh," but be pronounced something like "Gary."

Imagine your child in a classroom. Attendance is being taken.

"Josh," says the teacher, "Is Josh here? Josh?"

"Actually it is pronounced Gary," says Josh.

Class: HAHAHAHA

Yes it's true, middle schoolers are cruel, and he might be picked on, but once he gets to high school and college, he will be the most popular kid in school. Every time someone reads his name or tries to write it down: instant ice-breaker.

"Ah you must be Josh"

"Actually it's pronounced Gary"

"Wow that's so cool. We should go out some time."

He will nail his job interview:

"Ah so your name is Josh?"

"Actually it's Gary"

"Really it says Josh here."

"Yeah it's some stupid thing my parents found on some blog. It's pronounced Gary."

"Wow that's interesting...You're hired."

And he can get those people at the DMV back:

"Yes sir, what's your name?"

"Gary"

"Sorry we have no Gary here."

"It's spelt-"

"I know how it's spelt it's not here."

"You don't understand, it's spelt-"

"I understand, there is no Gary here."

"It's spelt J-O-S-H can I please speak to you're supervisor?"

"Ah here is Josh. Normally, you'd have to go to 8 other lines, but due to the miscommunication, I'll take care of it for you."

In conclusion, Best. Child. Name. Idea. Ever.

-The Anon Blogger

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A Story of Glasses And The Really Long Wait It Took To Get Them

Two of the basic rules of writing a title are 1. Never reveal too much about the story and 2. Make it short. I have failed at both, but despite my horrible title, I still have a story to tell:

My eyes were growing weaker, and so naturally I went to the optometrist, otherwise known as the doctor whose name is incredibly hard to spell… Wait a second that's all of them. I think it's a law of all doctors to make their title unnecessarily long and hard to spell: Chiropractor, Physician, Pediatrician...Wait a second, what was I writing about? (Looks at really long, story revealing title) Oh yeah the glasses, and you guys called my title "horrible."

But back to the story. I went to the optomitrist optomatrist optometrist, and needed new contact lenses and glasses, so he told me to come pick them up next week. Very easy instructions. Next week, I go to pick them up, but the lenses won't fit in the glasses, so he has to send them away, and I have to wear my contacts all day and then spend the night blind until Monday.

I come in Monday and alas no glasses. Thursday, he assures me. I come in Thursday, and nada, no glasses. He'll have them next week, so I come in Wednesday. Now I know what you're thinking, it's been three weeks, he must have them, and you're not all wrong. He was closed. Who closes on Wednesdays? So I went home empty handed yet again. But finally, the next day I come in and DA DA DA DAAAAA they are there. Finally, I can see clearly yet again.

So what can you, dear reader, learn from this blog post?

1. Sometimes long, story revealing titles can come in handy.

2. Doctors have annoyingly long names.

3. Glasses lenses take a long time to make, so if you're on your way to pick yours up now, turn around, come back in two weeks, and they might be done by then, but probably not.

-The Impatient Anon Blogger

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I Want A Monkey!!!!

In life, one has many desires, for example I really want a Segway to ride around town. However, what I desire most of all, is a monkey named "Chips."

"Why do I want a monkey?" you might ask. Well it's very obvious isn't it? Because...Monkeys are AMAZING.

First of all, monkeys are smart and have thumbs. One monkey was trained to drive, so imagine what I could teach my monkey to do: get me soda, juggle, do calculus homework. I could have my own little monkey servant. It would be so cute.

Second of all, monkeys are cute. All persons respect someone with a monkey. It's just a fact of life (I think). Imagine how cool you'll sound walking around to people asking them to pet your monkey. Okay that didn't come out right, but I just thought of a great monkey pick-up line.

Go up to someone and say, "hey, do you want to pet my monkey?"

"What?" says the person.

"His name is Chips." Monkey comes out behind your back.

BOOM. Greatest. Pick-up line. Ever.

So readers if any of you are wondering what gift to give your friends or family, I suggest a monkey (hint hint Mom)

-The Anonymous Teenager

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A Big Family Welcome

Every family has a different way of welcoming people home after they have been away. Some have a party, some exchange gifts, and some just say welcome back and go on with their lives. However, no two families do it the same way, (well actually some probably do, but let’s forget about them).

I have been on many trips away from home: some were long and some were short, but my family always seems to have the same reaction despite the length of the trip. Allow me to give you the statistics:

50%: “Oh my, did they feed you in [Insert Trip Destination]? You’ve lost so much weight.” (Usually when I don’t lose any weight).

15%: “You know when I went to [Insert Trip Destination], I…[Insert Long Story Irrelevant to My Travels]”

10%: “Oh my, your [Insert Relative From The 50%] told me you lost weight! Are you sure they fed you?”

10%: “Great now that your back you can help me with something.” (While I’m falling asleep from jetlag).

9%: “Did you get me a souvenir?”

5%: “Did you go somewhere? I thought you were just hiding in your room.”

1%: “Welcome back! How was your trip? Tell me all about it!” (Usually my grandma)

So as you can see my family is very interested in my travels…well at least in my eating habits, but isn’t that what family is for?

So dear readers, I open it up to you, how does your family welcome you home?

-The Anon Blogger

Bonus Content: To see the bonus content follow this link: Wahooo!

(Want to turn your answer into a guest post? Just message the post in a word document to my Facebook page, and you could be posted on the blog).

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The Start of Something New

For those who are wondering, the title of this post is not a reference to the High School Musical Song. It’s an announcement of my new blog!

For those of you who don’t know, about a year ago I started a blog, but it was closed down because of copyrighted pictures. Well, I decided to give it another go and start the blog again.

This blog is dedicated to humor mostly, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t serious. Many of the posts will be talking about funny things in my life and ranting about things ranging from the English language to elevators. No topic is off-limits. Hopefully, I’ll have a few other people join me and give guest blog posts to have some variation, but we shall see.

Because this is a rebirth of an old blog, I want to get some following before I start, so I won’t start posting until I get a good amount of followers/email subscribers/twitter followers/Facebook likes, so if you are intrigued by the idea of an anonymous humor blog, do one of those things, and I can get started.

I now declare this blog OPEN!

-The Anon Blogger

P.S. Okay, I admit it. It was a High School Musical reference. 

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