The Anon Bloggers

Thursday, July 11, 2013

And We’ll Throw In A Blog Post Free of Charge

Nowadays, when people think of commercials, their heads turn to something like the Superbowl, where the most awesomest (I don’t care if it’s not a word, I’m using it) commercials are shown. However, I’d like to discuss the commercials that sell the new products on the market, like the Snuggie commercials.

One of the key features of these commercials is that they are always a good deal. Always. No matter the product, price, or quality, the commercial always says, “You can get it for only $X that’s $Y less than the retail price.” You really have to appreciate these commercials for looking out for our wallets by always guaranteeing us a good price.

Then, many of them take the next step and offer something for free. Perhaps they throw in something completely irrelevant to the product, or perhaps they offer two of the products for the price of one. Either way, rather than scamming us, they offering us a good deal with a freebie, and all we have to do is a few easy payments of $19.95!

Well actually this is not true. There is always shipping and handling, but who can complain about an extra charge for shipping and handling when you have such a great deal?

Thus, I would like to honor these commercials for providing us with such good deals over the years and so many freebies (after we pay for the product of course). Clearly, this is a selfless act.

-The Anon Blogger

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Thursday, July 4, 2013

The Deadly Lesson of Piñata

When you think of a children’s party, what do you think of?

No, not balloons. No, not cake. No, not clowns. Fine stop guessing, it’s piñatas. Those small little paper figures that are hung up to a tree and filled with candy.

The goal of these Piñatas? To hit them with a stick blindfolded until their guts spill out with candy for children to fight viciously over.

Now my question to this is what lesson is this teaching to children?

1. You should hang people and animals up to a tree using a string.

2. Hitting people and animals hung up to a tree with sticks will provide you with candy.

3. After hitting a person hung up to a tree with a stick and breaking him open, you can eat what comes out.

4. After hitting a person hung up to a tree with a stick and breaking him open so something comes out, you fight with others to see who can eat more.

5. All of this should be done at a party.

Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t think this sends the right message. Perhaps we should just give the kids the candy so they can get hyper without endangering the life of the poor tree that died in its duty to provide entertainment for children.

Plus, throwing candy at kids is much more fun then watching them hit something with a stick. Trust me.

-The Anon Blogger

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Thursday, June 27, 2013

They Say Don't Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth...Flowers Are The Exception

Flowers: they’re colorful, they’re beautiful. They’re useless. For years, the reason for giving flowers has baffled me. First, they don’t have a practical purpose. You can eat chocolate, but flowers just sit there and look pretty. Even a plunger can unclog a toilet, yet no one would think of giving it as a gift, and I don’t want to give any person I like something that’s less useful than a plunger.

Second, you have to take care of them. If you’re going to give someone something they’re going to have to take care of, at least make it a monkey (they can be trained to be butlers). When you receive flowers, you have to:

1. Find a vase, which I don’t usually have lying around, so this translates into: Buy a vase.

2. Fill that vase with water and maybe soil (more on that later).

3. Put in the flowers and make sure to check on them constantly to make sure they stay fresh.

Either do all this or let them die. Either way, it doesn’t bode well.

Lastly, Cats. Eat. Flowers. I’m sure they’re fine for their health (and by sure I mean I am too lazy to Google it), but whenever they go to eat the flowers, they just knock over the vase, flooding the table. The last thing I need is to build an ark every time flowers come my way.

Flowers are pretty, yes, but if I wanted to bring something pretty yet impractical into my house, I would just go with the monkey butler. At least he can bring me a soda.

-The Anon Blogger

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Thursday, June 20, 2013

Miss Utah, The Wisest Mind Of This Generation

Recently, Miss Utah was asked about woman’s salaries compared to men’s salaries and how they tend to be lower. The judges of the beauty contest wanted to know what this said about society.

She said: “I think we can relate this back to education and how we are continuing to try to strive to (pause) figure out how to create jobs right now. That is the biggest problem and I think, especially the men, are um, seen as the leaders of this and so we need to try and figure out how to create education better so we can solve this problem. Thank you.” (Source)

Many say this was a big flub, but if you look closely, this is one of the most insightful comments of our generation. Let’s analyze:

“I think we can relate this back to education”

This is a clever political move. Much like politicians, she clearly prepared an answer before talking in public. Then, she just tried to take whatever question was asked and answer it with what she prepared. She’s just as smart as a politician, and everyone knows what geniuses they are.

“and how we are continuing to try to strive to (pause) figure out how to create jobs right now”

Here, she’s making an excellent point about the world’s effort to stimulate the job market, showing that she is clearly in tune with current events of society. Moreover, she acknowledges the slowness of this effort by saying, “to try to strive to (pause) figure out,” for the governments are not striving to fix the job market. They have not even figured out a plan, and they have not succeeded. They are just trying to strive to figure it out.

“That is the biggest problem and I think, especially the men, are um, seen as the leaders of this”

She notes the enormity of the problem, but subtly answers the initial question by explaining that these failed efforts were led by men. Perhaps if there was equal pay, women could lead the job market back to where it needs to be. A very subtle yet clever retort.

“and so we need to try and figure out how to create education better so we can solve this problem.”

Here is perhaps the biggest example of her aptitude. Here, she makes the point that we need to improve education, but understands that this statement on its own is empty, so to emphasize the point, she makes the statement completely incomprehensible, showing how people will talk if education continues to fail them. By leaving English grammar aside, she makes her point especially powerful.

“Thank you.”

I think this part is self-explanatory.

Thus, I can understand where the irony of her answer could be lost, but hopefully, I have explained the genius of Miss Utah. Hopefully, now we can give her the respect a beauty contest contestant deserves.

-The Anon Blogger

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